Loss

The loss of Noah is just something I will live with.

Talking to Katie today, I told her I just want "to go back to being functional," to which she replied, "well what does that mean?" Well, it means that basically I want to go back to feeling how I felt before April 5, 2010, before my life became burdened with loss.

Well, that obviously can't happen. There will never be a day that goes by that I don't think about and love Noah; there will always be that hole in my heart where he is. My hope is that one day the hole won't hurt so badly. And maybe one day I won't be measuring time around December 24, April 5, July 16 and September 8.

I haven't used my blog as an outlet recently, I'm not sure why. Probably because I'm stupid and am trying to be strong. But, again, reality is that I cannot be strong all the time. And that being strong doesn't mean not crying and not hurting, which is what I want it to mean. As we quietly passed over Noah's due date and  the two month anniversary of his birth and loss, I guess I thought not thinking and talking about it would make it less painful. But that's not true either - the pain just gets damed up and delayed. Reality is that walking through any children's section will never be easy for me any more; seeing pregnant women will hurt; babies hurt; I'll never see handicapped, mentally delayed, or disabled persons again the same - because if he had lived, that would have been Noah. "Retarded" is not a funny or acceptable word - not when you've heard it used in the medical aspect do describe your baby. Flippant remarks about death, or killing someone, aren't so flippant, not when they have truth behind it.

Just to be clear- I'm not depressed. I'm just experiencing loss as anyone else would - which is comforting to me - that if you'd lost a husband, mother, or sibling, you'd be feeling this way too: small things trigger memories and become reminders. And remembering just hurts. Hurt doesn't mean we don't love; I think it means we do love: it hurts that we have lost someone we love no matter who that someone is. Even in high school, breaking up with a boyfriend meant tears, because it hurt to let go of that part of you. Losing Grandma hurt and I cried because her death meant I wouldn't get to see her at my high school or college graduation.

Hurting is just a normal part of life and a highly normal part of grief.
But it doesn't make the hurt any easier to bare.

Murray

After the wedding, Lindsay and I met Mary in Emporia and did a switcher-oo. Mary had taken Monday and Tuesday off and we basically just hung out for two days and it was super. We had dinner at a little italian place that had an ahh-mazing crab&artichoke dip in a bread bowl - Dave would have loved it. We did some window shopping and bought some shoes. We spent hours on Skype with the Hamiltons. We made grilled pizzas and watched Date Night. We drank a lot of wine.

Spending the weekend with Mary, again reminded me of what I'm missing being in Hanford. Sure, we've got a slow-paced life here in the Central Valley, but I think I'd rather have HRBTunnel traffic and be driving distance to family.

I told Dave when I came home, that previously I hadn't had a preference to where we are stationed next. (Currently, that may mean nowheresville Nevada.) But now, I have a preference. If things don't work for him to go to Top Gun school, I'd rather be in Virginia Beach, three hours from my sister, three hours from my parents, 12 hours from Dave's parents (still drivable).

Audra's Wedding

Last weekend, I was able to go to my friend and roommate from college, Audra's, wedding in North Carolina. After 5 years with my frequent flier card, I'd finally earned enough for a free trip and finially lived somewhere where it was an option to use the miles. I flew in to Norfolk, where Lindsay and Zack picked me up from the airport. I spent the night at Lindsay's and spent the day getting lost on CNU's new campus - I tried to find my favorite English professors only to find IT Services and the Athletics Departments in their offices - they were in an entirely new building. (Side note - I learned that my favorite professor, Dr. Tracey Schwartz, succumbed to cancer on August 1 of this year.) Lindsay also showed me the new Greek "houses" and we were able to get into the Phi Mu house and find our senior year composite photos. (Lindsay's taken on the task of disbursement.)

We drove to NC on Friday night and attended the post-rehearsal-dinner-bon-fire. It was so great that we did this because I was actually able to hang out with Audra and get to know the bridal party - which made the wedding more fun. Saturday was the wedding, and after an interesting lunch at Spiritual Connections Cafe - which was opened because a man, Curtis, had a dream that he should open a restaurant and call it Spiritual Connections Cafe, and proves that not everyone is cut out to be a restaurant manager/owner - we attended the wedding with moderate amount of Phi Mu drama. The wedding was held at Magnolia Plantation, and it was perfect - it just oozed Audra-ness.

Audra-ness: A memory quilt.
Guests were asked to write a memory of the couple on a square using a fabric pen.
The squares will be sewn together for Audra and Josh to enjoy together.

 "You may kiss the Bride."

Newly married Mr. & Mrs. Noone

Phi Mus in attendance: Lindsay, Megan, Amy, Johnna, Sarah, Chelsea, 

Annie, Whitney, Berda, and Melanie.

Sarah and I

Josh and Audra Noone

Phi Mus singing Picture a Girl to Audra

Phi Mus with Audra

It was so great getting to spend quality time with Lindsay, getting to see Audra, and spend (a tiny amount of) time with Sarah. It made me really really miss being on the East coast and the accessibility of driving-distance. 

Trisomy 18 Foundation

We've created a legacy page for Noah at the Trisomy 18 Foundation website. Visit Noah's Legacy Page.